Part 1: The Adventure Of Me

Part One: The throwback

I'd like to be able to say I can pinpoint the moment I realized my eyes were opening and I started to become aware of what all of this (circling hand gesture) is about. No, it was not some “ah ha” moment or act of God forcing me to see the truths. It all just starts to make sense at some point and seemingly works its way farther and farther back into the ‘hoods; while simultaneously most everything else begins to make less sense - the latter being a story for another time.

Phase 1. The noticing

At some point during nursing school (the final round) I became aware of my discomfort. Something about the stress of nursing school, working night shift, and a couple of failed relationships had me feeling miserable and essentially sleep walking through life. Sure, I started trying to take better care of myself, broke some bad habits, but it was really just the dawn of awareness. I noticed how routine it was for me to get fast food, to drink soda, to not get enough sleep, to be on-the-run without taking time for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to judge or criminalize these actions. I noticed they were making me sick and tired, when I was at a time in my life where I needed to use my energy (physical and otherwise) toward my education, my job, my experience of this life at 25. The more I noticed, the more I felt like something was guiding me to these noticings.

Phase 2. prefrontal cortex

Just because you can see doesn't mean you're truly looking at things. Nursing school had me burnt out and working nights was no joke. I dreamed of being one of the living (instead of the living dead) and soon after passing my NCLEX I was finally able to work dayshift again. Shortly after that I met who I thought would be my forever partner and we fell into a deep codependent haze of parties and chill. I just wanted to check out, ya know? What was once a casual comfort insidiously became my coping mechanism. Simultaneously my prefrontal Cortex started coming online. Per the NCBI, “one of the last places in the brain to mature, the prefrontal cortex is thought of as the “personality center” and is the cortical region that makes us uniquely human. It is where we process moment-to-moment input from our surroundings, compare that input to past experiences, and then react to them”. Now it all makes sense. I was not only “waking up”, I was maturing. But what exactly am I /doing/ about it???

Phase 3. waking up from somnambulance

So this is how I realized I was stuck in a loop, a haze of depression and anxiety where frustration and discontent grew from a neglected self-care garden. I wanted out but didn't know how to break free from the promises made and idealization I placed upon the way my life was at that time.

I had started dabbling in the ways of holistic healing: began practicing meditation & beginner yoga from home (shoutout to Glo.com for some awesome teachers that made it easy and accessible), cut down/out my pop consumption (for those of you not living in the midwest: soda), stopped eating fast food, started seeing a therapist, getting regular Acupuncture and massage, and obtained my reiki level 1 certification. This matrix of modalities began reconditioning my mind and weeding out what was no longer serving me.

4. *insert wake up call #1

In an attempt to “escape” my then partner and I took a mini vacation to wine country in NE Ohio where we rented a house and decided to try a wine tour. We were having a blast, enjoying the beautiful day, the different wines and then… waking up to getting handcuffed and then sitting in the police station surrounded by cops wondering why my lip is busted.

Blacking out wasn't uncommon to me. I'd been doing it since I started drinking in college. And like the majority of people I know, drank and drove too many times I shouldn't have. Although this time was supposed to be different. We had planned on getting a taxi home; I never drive when I’m with someone else. Why, how, & what happened plagued my mind for days, weeks, months. I was facing OVI charges and was terrified. When all was said and done I lost driving privileges, got 6 months probation and “hotel jail” where they make you stay for 72 hours and take educational classes all day.

Thank God (for all of it).

One of these classes, the instructor talked about the “law of attraction” and thus piqued my interest in all things self-development and spiritual.

5. *insert wake up call #2

Did I stop drinking? No. Did I stop drinking and driving? Somewhat. Did I stay in therapy where I realized drinking was negatively affecting my life and I wasn't happy in my relationship? Yes. Did I leave my then partner in pursuit of a sober life where I could find peace, happiness, and joy within myself? YES.

So I broke it off and found myself hot and heavy with weekend binges. SMH. Then it hit me. One day after a long stressful week at work I decided to come home and drink a bottle of this 11% wine I had been “saving for a rainy day”. In my world it was pouring and I just wanted it to go away, even if only for a little while. I got out my corkscrew and somehow the cork got stuck. Try as I might I couldn't get it further in or out. I thought about calling someone but figured that would be embarrassing. So like I said, that's when it hit me: I NEED to stop drinking. Drinking to escape. Drinking to be loved. Drinking to be free. Drinking to avoid. I called the only sober person I knew (Sara Nadia Syed) and that chat helped me finally make up my mind. Took me at least 2 years to work it all out of my system.

Herein lies “the work”.

/Stay tuned for Part 2/

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