The Work

I didn't check myself into any rehab or start attending AA. I just felt it in my soul that drinking was no longer an option… even a desire for me. Even more than before I needed to fill my time with people, places, and things that would help me heal, not just avoid the situations that would tempt me. Not only was I attempting to live in sobriety, I was feeling all the effects of removing alcohol from my life: toxic situationships, feeling uncomfortable being alone and facing all the parts of myself I was hiding from, and most notably- being miserable at my job. A job I had worked so hard for, a career path I meticulously curated for years. I was burnt out and mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Phase 1. the breakdown

The raw feeling of emotions, history, upbringing, and habits bubbling to the surface hit me like water boarding. Crying daily and downing my sorrows in pizza, chips, or ice cream- I knew I was in a rough patch. It wasn't until my boss asked me if I was OK that I broke. I said “yes I'm fine”, but when her response was “you don't seem fine” I lost it. She was a long time colleague and friend, and I finally had someone to be honest with. I'm not ok. My passion for helping people no longer looked like what my job had evolved into. Try as I might, I knew all the therapy, journaling, stress management wouldn't allow me to be happy if I continued along this path. Through divine intervention she offer me some time to get help. And I needed it more now than ever. I was confused, scared, and unsure of what my future held other than the vision I had about myself 10 years in the future.

Phase 2: starting from scratch

I took the much needed short-term disability and voluntarily checked myself into an intensive outpatient program (IOP) for what the doctors were calling major depression. This was a once a week session where I could take a deeper dive into how I could “feel better”. Much of what I learned wasn't new, but there were a few things that stood out to me as helpful. For me it was the time away from the daily grind, the unraveling of life as I knew it, and my ability to create some space for clarity and mental capacity to make some huge changes. By the end of IOP I had come to realize I couldn't stay in my current job and although I had already told my boss this months prior, it was coming down to the wire. If I quit I wouldn't be able to afford my comfortable Crocker Park apartment. I wouldn't have access to my top-of-the-line health insurance, or the fall back of a steady income that was paying all my bills and filling my 401k. That didn't matter as much to me, because I knew if I didn't make a change I would not be able to pursue my dreams. So I did.

Sunrise at my Crocker Park apartment 2/2/2019

Phase 3: the leap

It felt like I had just jumped off a literal cliff: the exhilaration, the fear, the unknowing of what lies at the bottom. And just as fast as I made the decision, my dear friend Sara gave me an opportunity of a lifetime. She asked me to come work at the studio. It would give me a place to live and a place to work. I was beyond grateful for this serendipitous request. I learned everything I could about running the biz from the ground up. Not even a week after moving all my stuff and getting acclimated they offered to pay for an apartment in exchange for working until I could make enough on my own to support myself. I trained in Thai relaxation and completed the 200 hour YTT (yoga teacher training) while working the desk and managing events, independent contractors, and offering reiki services to my own clients. Eventually I offered classes and workshops, finally making enough to pay my own way. I then started as wellness coordinator with Mindful CLE to engage local businesses to provide wellness services and support to their employees. I canvassed the city, meeting people, walking around downtown, all to infuse wellness into our beloved Cleveland. This was everything I hoped it would be. Until I would find myself with another HUGE decision to make.

4. The vision

During a vision board workshop I was hosting at the studio, I had taken a pause to check in and make sure everyone felt comfortable and understood the assignment. With all heads down and still 45 mins remaining, I decided to make one for myself. I allowed myself to flip through the magazines without any intention other than observe what sparks my interest. I had many topics on that board: love and my life-partner, my wellness adventures idea, and what seemed to be a vacation of sorts.

2019 Vision Board

Little did I know that soon the planned destination of Banff, Canada would be squelched. So when my friend and travel partner (@Ladycations) asked if there was any other place in the world I would want to go, I knew the answer was Hawaii before she even blurted it out. That sealed the deal. We were headed to the Hawaiian islands in September.

5. The trip

You can read all about my friend's experience here: https://ladycationsnet.wordpress.com/category/travel-blog/hawaii/

but I had a much different outcome. Although I very much enjoyed my experience, it was one of our first trips together where I was sober. This in turn allowed me to feel the connection I had with this sacred place. The trip itself wasn't much of an indication of what was to come but more of a blind date with what would become the love of my life.

… Stay tuned for Part 3 ✨️

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